clueless and angry

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, believe it or not, "ghosting" is the act or practice of abruptly cutting off all contact with someone usually without explanation by no longer accepting or responding to phone calls, instant messages, etc.

SideA’s new song “Clueless” is a perfect depiction of the whirlwind of emotions in someone left… well, clueless. It will break your heart into tiny little pieces, by the time the song ends, you won’t even have a chance to pick them all up and put them back together before you listen to the song again. Why? Because you’ll just want to and, let’s face it, we are all a little masochistic at heart. 😆

"Is it over now? Does your silence mean a thing? Is it really right to keep me wondering? If it's over now, please tell me. I don't wanna read your mind."

"It's cold outside your window as I wait for your reply. If you can't provide the truth, then I would settle for some lies."

Not the best feeling in the world, being ghosted or being left in the dark. It cripples you with self-doubt, makes you question your worth. You start to bargain for lies, instead of asking fairly for the truth, just to get something, anything from them. Even if it breaks you.

And if you're lucky, someday, after a few weeks or months or years even, maybe you'll get an explanation (some half truths, excuses in disguise) their conscience has somehow guilted them (or perhaps boredom has motivated them) into telling you. Ugh. F that. Do not fall for the same bs over again. (Oops. Sorry, this may have reopened wounds and unleashed pandora's monsters in me. 😳😏🤪)

"You can break my heart and say goodbye but please just tell me why."

🥺😭

That's got to be one of the saddest things you'll ever hear. It's so heart-wrenching. Even the vocals in this song seem lonely, one voice alone with barely any backup. And the music, the melancholy just begs you to let all the tears out. And yet, listening to the song, it also somehow reminds you that you're not alone even when you are. A kind of solidarity across the miles in our aloneness. 

I suppose it's a lot more common than one would expect -- there are millions of assholes people out there who just leave without a word, and millions more who get left behind, clueless.

To those ghosts, may you live long miserable lives (and yes, irony intended)... do better, be better.

And to the clueless ones who are waiting outside windows (metaphorically or literally), if they've let you wait out in the cold that long, maybe you're better off without them. So maybe it’s time to get back in your car and drive away. Make sure to buckle up because it's gonna be one bumpy ride. Be strong. Have faith. Sooner than you think, that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel will appear. After all, there was one thing left behind inside pandora's box -- Hope. 

P.S. I know I know, too angry. I will write another one, much calmer this time. Maybe. 😅

Maybe it was all a fantasy.

Maybe I just had this romanticized version of you in my head

that you, time and again, have fallen short of 

and, though not entirely your fault, may never really live up to.

You may never come close to my idealized version of you.

Still you would have been enough. 

In the end, all I ever really wanted was for you to show up.

Even that was too much to ask for. 

"...is like asking why you love Christmas or a summer night or why you love your dog. You can point to the reasons, but the reasons aren't really the point. You just love it. And that's how love works."

-Ty Shaw. Vengeance. 

Tauriel: If this is love, I don't want it. Take it away, please. Why does it hurt so much?

Thranduil: Because it was real.

-The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies.

"Betimes, our paths are laid before us by powers greater than our own. In those moments, it's our task to make our feet go where our hearts wish not to tread. No matter the perils awaiting us on the way."

-The Stranger. LOTR: The Rings of Power.

"You deserve someone who treats you like you matter everyday, not just when it's convenient to them."

yep.

"I am never happier than when I am alone in a foreign city; it is as if I had become invisible."

-Storm Jameson

"For what matters in life is not whether we receive a round of applause; what matters is whether we have the courage to venture forth despite the uncertainty of acclaim."

-Amor Towles. A Gentleman in Moscow.

"Maybe it's just the childish optimist in me, but humanity can be pretty impressive when we put our minds to it."

-Andy Weir. Project Hail Mary.

"Are you the definition of insanity?

Or am I?

It must be nice to love someone who lets you break them twice." 

"Open your eyes and see what you can with them before they close forever."

-Anthony Doerr. All The Light We Cannot See.

"I want to live, however briefly, knowing that my life is finite. Mortality gives meaning to human life. Peace, love, friendship... these are precious because we know they cannot endure."

-Data. Star Trek: Picard.

Cloud Cuckoo Land

"A text - a book - is a resting place for the memories of people who have lived before. A way for the memory to stay fixed after the soul has traveled on. But books, like people, die. They die in fires or floods or in the mouths of worms or at the whims of tyrants. If they are not safeguarded, they go out of the world. And when a book goes out of the world, the memory dies a second death."

-Anthony Doerr. Cloud Cuckoo Land.

If I could give this book a hug, I would hug it so tight its spine would start creaking. 

We are all connected, no matter where or when we are. If we could only see life and the world in super-mega-extra-wide lens, maybe we'd all be happier and we'd learn to appreciate what we have more.

(Side note: the quote above, especially the bolded part hits a bit close to home right now.)

A few more quotes from the book:

"...he realizes that the truth is infinitely more complicated, that we are all beautiful even when we are all part of the problem, and that to be a part of the problem is to be human."

"Sometimes the things we think are lost are only hidden, waiting to be rediscovered."

"The world as it is is enough."

"The way I see it, if something makes you sad when it ends, it must have been pretty wonderful when it was happening."

-This Is Us

SideA - Ibigin Ang Mundo

I like what SideA said to describe their new song - it's a love song for our planet. Indeed, it is. Much like a lover trying desperately to hold on to a most precious relationship, the song is a plea to protect and save the only planet we live in (at least for now or until Starship Enterprise finds us another one).

I love that the song is in Tagalog - it really is a beautiful language. I love that it's not their usual ballad. I love the music and the vocal harmony. And I love Leevon's voice - you can hear and feel the despair in it, it's heart-breaking.

"Dahil ang bukas ay hindi garantisado. Kailan pa ba tayo tunay na magbabago?"

In our perpetual quest for the best, we sometimes forget that our resources are not limitless. Yes, this song breaks my heart and yet it also manages to make me smile. Because despite the horror of what's happening, of what we're doing, there still is hope. We don't have to be a Greta Thunberg, we just need to do our part, no matter how small it may seem. And perhaps that's a tad too optimistic and a bit naive; but in a world full of negativity, maybe a little light of hope is all/what we need.

Check out SideA's "Ibigin Ang Mundo" on Spotify:

https://orcd.co/sidea_ibigin-ang-mundo

why are so many in the country so blind to what the rest of the world can see clearly?

"pain throws your heart to the ground 

love turns the whole thing around

no, it won't all go the way it should

but I know the heart of life is good."

-the heart of life. John Mayer.

it should be loud

like a tornado warning siren

so you can take cover

and protect yourself 

instead, it catches you unaware 

one moment, you're happy

the next, all you hear

is the deafening silence

of your heart breaking. 

if I only could

if I could choose

yours is not the mind I'd want to think of me;

it seems to ignore me more often than not. 

if I could choose 

yours are not the hands I'd wish to hold;

they seem to let mine go so easily. 

if I could choose

yours are not the eyes I'd stare longingly into;

they don't seem to see me.

if I could choose

yours are not the arms I'd have around me;

their embrace seem to loosen over time.

if I could choose

yours are not the lips I'd lovingly kiss;

they seem to want me less and less.

if I could choose

yours is not the heart I'd dream of keeping;

it doesn't have room for even the tiniest of me.

I would choose

a mind that cares and remembers, 

hands that hold on tight as long as they could,

eyes that see and appreciate me,

arms that reassure in their embrace,

lips so warm they melt my soul,

and a heart so big it'd welcome me a million times over.

"been looking for words for feelings that shouldn't get spoken....

I'm starting to learn some silences shouldn't be broken, just listened to."

-The Forever Now. This Is Us.

"Sometimes it's too easy to forget the things you should remember -- and far too easy to remember the things you really should forget."

-Brandon Sanderson. Cytonic.

"i know you didn't bring me out here to drown

so why am i ten feet under and upside down?"

-lifehouse. storm.

I just heard this song again after a long while and it reminded me how I used to obsess about jason wade. 😅

there's just something so deeply poignant about this song too. plus it's mostly a capella, which probably adds to the melancholy of it all. and Jason's voice... aaaahh 😍😍 makes me want to obsess all over again. almost. maybe? 😁

bit by bit you are breaking 

these walls i have been building. 

yet when they are finally down

you are nowhere to be found.

just when i thought i've lost all faith in men (and sometimes in humanity), i talk to you and everything is right in the world again.

"You followed your conscience in the hope that others would follow theirs. You didn't do it for a reward or a pat on the head. The universe never tells us if we did right or wrong. It's more important to try and help people than to know that you did. More important that someone else's life gets better than for you to feel good about yourself. You never know the effect you might have on someone, not really. Maybe one core thing you said haunts them forever. Maybe one moment of kindness gives them comfort or courage. Maybe you said the one thing they needed to hear. It doesn't matter if you ever know. You just have to try."

-Naomi Nagata. The Expanse.

unfinished

words on paper 

love letters to fill the weeks in between 

exchanging stories of new adventures 

both excited for the new life each would begin.

did i imagine the longing on those pages?

words over the phone

calls stretching for hours, minutes whizzing by

talking about everything and nothing, 

years since the unspoken goodbye.

did i imagine the tenderness in your voice?

words online

screens lit up with messages, photos, memes

reflections on life and regrets and dreams 

roads not taken and what might have been.

did i imagine the meaning of your words?

oceans, islands, continents 

distance ever between us, 

always a million miles apart. 

seconds, hours, decades 

time moving too fast,

never ever seems to be enough. 

memories carved into a corner of my heart,

like lovers initials on a tree bark.

forever etched. forever scarred.

words over dinner,

a decade and a half since the last.

almost half strangers sharing food and stories and laughs. 

a lovely walk past buildings and bridges i barely noticed. 

a warm embrace. 

a kiss goodnight. 

did i imagine that one perfect night?

words. was it all just words?

did i only imagine everything that was us?