the other side of A

They tune the instruments, make sure everything sounds perfect, write the set list, bring coffee and food, and generally just help lighten the load (quite literally sometimes, in fact). They are the men in black, dressed as such so you don't notice them and distract you from the main attraction. They are the men working behind the scenes; without them, the show would probably not go on. 

They are Dennis,  Tonton, and Carlo, the unsung heroes behind one of the country's greatest bands, Side A. Dennis joined SideA back in 1994, making him one of the longest tenured in the band, third only behind Naldy and Ernie. Tonton and Carlo joined a few years later.

I have been a fan of SideA's since the early 90s and for as long as I can remember, Dennis has always been a part of the band. Even then and until now, like any other member of SideA, he has never treated me and my friends other than as his peeps. And despite sometimes (or maybe because of) inappropriate comments and questions, he has made this very socially awkward person somehow comfortable chatting with him about life and everything else under the sun. haha! 

And because of him, I got to experience a once in a lifetime, dream come true, bucket list item moment -- to be a SideA PA for a day. Or probably closer to a very low level apprentice because I don't actually have a clue about any of the technical stuff associated to that role.

As I hovered between feeling uneasy intruding on what should have been their private band time AND feeling extremely grateful to be allowed (or at least tolerated) to intrude, I tried to make myself useful or at the very least, not be a nuisance. Meanwhile, all of them, being the wonderful human beings that they are, tried to make me, someone who's rarely at ease in social situations, comfortable and welcome. 😅🥰

I will not go into details because quite frankly, I feel I've imposed on them more than enough. But it was everything I could have ever hoped for, perhaps a lot more. I know it was and is a great privilege I will never take for granted. And I am wholeheartedly appreciative of them putting up with me.

To Ned, Leevon, Yubs, Ernie, Naldy, and especially Dennis, Tonton, and Carlo -- thank you forevermore!!! I have no words enough to express my gratitude. I will die on this hill... ipaglalaban ko kayo hanggang uugod ugod na ako. 😆🤗🥰

"So if this isn't really what it seems,

please don't ever wake me from this dream."

-Until You. Side A.

"never stop, no matter how many failures. when you know you're doing what you're meant to do, you have to try."

-Ted Lasso. Sunflowers (s3e6).

"mercy buckets." 😂

"We live in a world where exceptional women have to sit around waiting for mediocre men."

-Taylor Jenkins Reid. Carrie Soto Is Back.

Happy International Women's Day! 😜😊

"Just as people have a bad habit of dismissing others' problems and tragedies, so too did they have a bad habit of not appreciating what they have. Or had."

-Bonnie Garmus. Lessons In Chemistry.

"...because it is enough to exist in the world and marvel at it. You don't need to justify that, or earn it. You are allowed to just live."

-Becky Chambers. A Psalm For The Wild-Built.

clueless and angry

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, believe it or not, "ghosting" is the act or practice of abruptly cutting off all contact with someone usually without explanation by no longer accepting or responding to phone calls, instant messages, etc.

SideA’s new song “Clueless” is a perfect depiction of the whirlwind of emotions in someone left… well, clueless. It will break your heart into tiny little pieces, by the time the song ends, you won’t even have a chance to pick them all up and put them back together before you listen to the song again. Why? Because you’ll just want to and, let’s face it, we are all a little masochistic at heart. 😆

"Is it over now? Does your silence mean a thing? Is it really right to keep me wondering? If it's over now, please tell me. I don't wanna read your mind."

"It's cold outside your window as I wait for your reply. If you can't provide the truth, then I would settle for some lies."

Not the best feeling in the world, being ghosted or being left in the dark. It cripples you with self-doubt, makes you question your worth. You start to bargain for lies, instead of asking fairly for the truth, just to get something, anything from them. Even if it breaks you.

And if you're lucky, someday, after a few weeks or months or years even, maybe you'll get an explanation (some half truths, excuses in disguise) their conscience has somehow guilted them (or perhaps boredom has motivated them) into telling you. Ugh. F that. Do not fall for the same bs over again. (Oops. Sorry, this may have reopened wounds and unleashed pandora's monsters in me. 😳😏🤪)

"You can break my heart and say goodbye but please just tell me why."

🥺😭

That's got to be one of the saddest things you'll ever hear. It's so heart-wrenching. Even the vocals in this song seem lonely, one voice alone with barely any backup. And the music, the melancholy just begs you to let all the tears out. And yet, listening to the song, it also somehow reminds you that you're not alone even when you are. A kind of solidarity across the miles in our aloneness. 

I suppose it's a lot more common than one would expect -- there are millions of assholes people out there who just leave without a word, and millions more who get left behind, clueless.

To those ghosts, may you live long miserable lives (and yes, irony intended)... do better, be better.

And to the clueless ones who are waiting outside windows (metaphorically or literally), if they've let you wait out in the cold that long, maybe you're better off without them. So maybe it’s time to get back in your car and drive away. Make sure to buckle up because it's gonna be one bumpy ride. Be strong. Have faith. Sooner than you think, that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel will appear. After all, there was one thing left behind inside pandora's box -- Hope. 

P.S. I know I know, too angry. I will write another one, much calmer this time. Maybe. 😅

Maybe it was all a fantasy.

Maybe I just had this romanticized version of you in my head

that you, time and again, have fallen short of 

and, though not entirely your fault, may never really live up to.

You may never come close to my idealized version of you.

Still you would have been enough. 

In the end, all I ever really wanted was for you to show up.

Even that was too much to ask for. 

"...is like asking why you love Christmas or a summer night or why you love your dog. You can point to the reasons, but the reasons aren't really the point. You just love it. And that's how love works."

-Ty Shaw. Vengeance.